Charmed: Mr. & Mrs. Witch (8.11)

When folks call season eight 'The Billie Show', Mr. & Mrs. Witch is the most notorious example of the writers thrusting her center stage and producing terrible results. This is even more worthless than average 'bad Charmed', all about a bunch of day players we barely know and featuring one of the most tiring central storylines in years. Billie, for ridiculously contrived and nonsensical reasons, is investigating corporate America to find Christy, and if The Demon Who Came in from the Cold taught us anything, it's that sleeping pills are no match for a Charmed episode about corporate America.

There's so little to say about Mr. & Mrs. Witch because it's all so weak, from the absurd plot devices that are employed to the lethargic pacing. The story comes about after Billie clumsily calls her parents "cold-hearted assassins" (right, because that's such a go-to term in the most heated of arguments), and they instantly become just that, thanks to some super-cool bestest ever new power!!11! that Billie has acquired. Cue horrible scenes of the Parents Jenkins wreaking havoc all over the two alleyway sets that Charmed has access to on the Paramount backlot, followed by corporate intrigue involving some snidely executives and a moronic demon who spills her entire plan in two horrifyingly lazy scenes of crude exposition. Gah.

Can we also address how insane Billie's new power is? I guess it means that she can just do whatever she wants now, right? So if there's some indestructible demon, Billie can just say "Die!" and it'll die? Right? Why do the writers insist on coming up with these things that will only lead to ridiculous plotholes somewhere down the line?

Guest stars Piper, Phoebe and Paige each have their own annoying subplots, but they're so superfluous that they're practically invisible. Piper is video-recording everything in preparation for Leo's return, while Henry has some issues with being open or something. Phoebe's storyline is particularly asinine as she announces she's moving out of the Manor (classy timing, lady). There's also a horrible scene where her assistant pretty much climaxes all over her desk chair describing Phoebe's 'amazing writing' and it's one of the most embarrassing Charmed moments in history. This whole episode is ass, and an hour that can be entirely skipped over. F

Credits
Guest stars Ivan Sergei (Henry Mitchell); Barbara Niven (Helen Jenkins); David Starzyk (Carl Jenkins); Meagen Fay (Nanny); Colby French (Chuck Pelham); Sean McDermott (Rod Dalvos)
Writer Rob Wright Director James L. Conway