Charmed: Forever Charmed (8.22)

After 178 episodes of cleavage, fairytales, scenery-chewing, stupid police detectives, crummy exposition, off-screen feuds, skanky hooker outfits, underground caves, depressed alleyways, continuity errors, casual sexism, useless Elders, fugly haircuts, cheap knock-off's, McGowan mugging, illogical plotholes, shrewish whining, lazy repetition, vacant fuck-buddies, bad teeth, terrible child actors, desk sex, sperm quests, Shannen Doherty intrigue, ridiculous media commentary, weepy gorilla-face, gratuitous nudity, stank new cast members, Phoebe worship, sustained dwarf employment, cries for a normal life, nonsensical career decisions, questionable morals and more demonic possessions than there are people in China, Charmed is over.

Charmed: Kill Billie Vol. 2 (8.21)

Let's open with discussing how impressive that coda is. It starts off with pyrotechnic mayhem as both sets of sisters send various strands of CGI at each other, producing an elaborate explosion that rips apart the Manor and sends everybody flying, killing almost the entire cast in the process. What follows is the most anticipated beatdown since Ali vs Frazier, Piper leaping on top of raggedy dingleberry Billie and pummeling her repeatedly. It's crazily fun. But it's easy to forget that this only occurs in the last five minutes, the rest of the hour being so painfully long-winded that you have to question why it's such a popular episode in fan circles.

Charmed: Gone with the Witches (8.20)

Even if you try and excuse the show for struggling to fill time with an obvious transition episode, this is still pretty horrible. Can I ask what tool on the writing staff thought it was a bright idea to dedicate so much of the second-to-last episode to those Oirish asshat leprechauns? As well as the hideous collection of ogres, fairies and wood nymphs that make up the 'magical community' on this show? Ah, remember the days when this poop didn't exist to permanently stink up Charmed?

Charmed: The Jung and the Restless (8.19)

Kaley Cuoco is probably the biggest problem with season eight. Because, shockingly, I actually like the concept of Billie and Christy as explained here. Lady-Elder tells Piper that the existence of the Jenkins sisters was set in motion long before the Charmed Ones came into their powers, as a means to destroy the essence of good in the world -- the Triad being keenly aware that it's not just ultimate power than would tip the scale, but sisterhood. It's an interesting approach that entirely resuscitates the Jenkins women as characters, grants them added purpose and calls back to what this show was at one point actually about: the Halliwells being, deeper than any of their powers, strong women with a sisterly connection.

Charmed: The Torn Identity (8.18)

So Christy's machinations continue. Sure, if Marnette Patterson had a mustache, she'd be twirling it 24/7. And, sure, the sisters come off as bigger fools than normal by entirely missing the insidious evil hanging out in their own damn kitchen, but the story continues to be pretty absorbing. Everybody's behaving in an unbelievable manner purely to service the script (particularly the strangely-unmoved-by-her-parents'-horrible-murder Billie Jenkins, or maybe that's just the terrible acting), but it's nice to see that forward momentum surfacing again. The only issue is that the Charmed Ones are still wrapped up in their assy personal problems, leaving most of the interesting material in the hands of Patterson and her horribly vacant on-screen sis. Stupid show.

Charmed: Generation Hex (8.17)

Call me crazy, but is Christy Jenkins rapidly becoming the one shining beacon of interest on this show? I've always loved that television trope of a secretly evil character insidiously manipulating folks from within a group of good guys, and Christy is filling that role really well. The story was filled with a surprising amount of shocks, from Mom and Pop Jenkins turning up in a pile of their own innards to that awesome moment with Christy punching through the Triad dude's chest. It's all just surprisingly impressive watching her various attempts to divert attention from her own secret evilness and fill Billie's head with hooey. Marnette Patterson also deserves special credit for being mildly convincing all the while acting against somebody who looks like she's been living in a trash can for six weeks. What is up with Billie's hair?? Nesting crows would think it was too frazzled...

Charmed: Engaged and Confused (8.16)

I had forgotten how little the Triad factors into season eight, their deaths immediately thrusting Christy center stage for the final battle. Of course, this is also the episode in which Billie is revealed as 'the ultimate power', an enormous slap in the face to everybody who has watched this show for the last eight years. What I find strange is that the writers knew the fan reaction to Billie at this point, and yet still insisted on having her monopolize the season like a bad case of crabs. Kaley Cuoco has never appeared totally comfortable with this material, and it's insane that everybody involved didn't slowly diminish her screentime over the course of the year.

Charmed: The Last Temptation of Christy (8.15)

So the season is at last launching into its major final arc. As much as I dislike Billie and Christy being at the center of it, I appreciate the forward momentum, as well as the return of the Triad -- logic be damned that Cole vanquished them, but whatever... Sure, you can roll your eyes at all the dramatic dialogue about 'the Key' and Billie's continued insistence on being as moronic as possible, but there's was the only storyline this week that actually felt purposeful. It still sucks that the Charmed Ones have become an irrelevant presence in their own series, but I guess we just have to sit back and deal.

Charmed: 12 Angry Zen (8.14)

This cribs elements from both Enter the Demon and Sword and the City, but remains mildly entertaining. It's a story that rests on obvious familiarity (possessed sisters, a mythical trinket of some kind), and despite a bunch of errors and gaps in logic throughout the script, I kind of liked this one. Maybe it's just Piper being center stage that piques my interest, being the only sister that appears invested in anything anymore. Even before they were possessed, both Phoebe and Paige seem so driven by their own personal investments and couldn't care less about their powers or their responsibilities. Considering they're the only sisters who haven't got a popsicle of a husband waiting in the wings, it makes them look even worse by comparison.

Charmed: Repo Manor (8.13)

The most derivative episode in Charmed history. We have three female demons impersonating the sisters (The Power of Three Blondes), the sisters miniaturized (Size Matters), folks trapped in inanimate objects (The Painted World, Scry Hard), Phoebe getting attacked and lobotomized in an elevator (Freaky Phoebe), and Paige working with leprechauns and fairies (Lucky Charmed, Spin City), as well as thematic riffs on Bride and Gloom and The Importance of Being Phoebe. Everything here has been done before, and if this were an episode from a different season I'd be a hell of a lot more critical. But since this has the good fortune of being placed at the midpoint of season eight, a year that gives abject crumminess new definition, it's actually weirdly entertaining.

Charmed: Payback's a Witch (8.12)

Lord, this was boring. Hostage crisis episodes are always my least favorite episodes of anything, since they always seem to rely on the exact same tropes time and time again, particularly in the hands of unambitious writers. There's always the threat of a main character getting shot, there's always some tool who tries to be a hero and ends up delaying any progress, and there's always a bunch of annoying cops in a van outside trying to negotiate their way in. Blah. Payback's a Witch wades through every one of these clichés, only real slowly, which makes it super-super fun!

Charmed: Mr. & Mrs. Witch (8.11)

When folks call season eight 'The Billie Show', Mr. & Mrs. Witch is the most notorious example of the writers thrusting her center stage and producing terrible results. This is even more worthless than average 'bad Charmed', all about a bunch of day players we barely know and featuring one of the most tiring central storylines in years. Billie, for ridiculously contrived and nonsensical reasons, is investigating corporate America to find Christy, and if The Demon Who Came in from the Cold taught us anything, it's that sleeping pills are no match for a Charmed episode about corporate America.

Charmed: Vaya Con Leos (8.10)

Charmed caught a ton of heat around this time for writing out Brian Krause due to budget cuts, fans (including myself) pinning the blame on Brad Kern and fried-ass car-wreck Billie Jenkins. Maybe that was all a little unfair, in retrospect. Especially on the latter, since it's not entirely Kaley Cuoco's fault that she was miscast in a role that was ridiculously ill-conceived from the very beginning. But here we go with the embarrassing dismissal of Charmed's sole male regular, another flat tire in a season that has so far done nothing to justify its entire existence.

Charmed: Hulkus Pocus (8.9)

Parts of this episode were fresh and interesting, notably the idea of government experiments and demonic viruses. It was like Charmed meets X-Files, and I kind of enjoyed it. It did stick out like a sore thumb, though, and I don't think it's a coincidence that this is a script from a new writer. Even though Hulkus Pocus falls back on ridiculous costumes and butch stuntwomen, there were actual 'ideas' here that felt pretty inventive, clearly something from the mind of a writer who hasn't been rapidly lobotomized from spending too long in the Charmed writers room.

Charmed: Battle of the Hexes (8.8)

It's easy to look back at vintage Charmed through rose-tinted glasses, especially in light of the steaming piles of wet poop being thrust in our collective faces this season. But the Prue years certainly weren't perfect. Remember the teeth-pulling Dan/Leo love triangle? Lovestruck owls? Jenny Gordon? But in spite of all that, the one thing that kept you coming back to this show was the chemistry between the sisters and the believable interaction between absorbing characters. They were certainly flawed individuals, but their flaws rang true, and the Halliwell sisters were fun to be around. I bring all this up because what was once the show's saving grace has long vanished. I dislike everybody right now. Paige is a moron, Piper is angry all the time, and Phoebe is eternally wrapped up in her quest for semen...

Charmed: The Lost Picture Show (8.7)

As much as it may look that way, this isn't actually a re-run. Sure, almost all the storylines here have been done on the show before, but technically it's still a new episode. Charmed season eight, people -- where things are tossed together with all the subtlety of an elephant parading through a retirement village. Everything here blows, but the worst elements involve the complete re-writing of history, notably in the Paige/Sam relationship. Long-standing resentments were resolved back in season five, yet here Paige is ridiculously antagonistic towards him. And while it is pretty shitty that he hasn't contacted her in three years, the show does such a bad job of depicting her animosity that it reads like they've never even met before.

Charmed: Kill Billie Vol. 1 (8.6)

It either says a lot about her own charisma as an actress, or works as a statement on where season eight is going, but I'm actually missing Alyssa Milano. While she's still hanging around, it really feels like Phoebe is on the periphery of things this year. Not only have Alyssa's performances become mostly drab, Phoebe is only ever wrapped up in her own personal dramas this season, and it's mostly Piper, Paige and Billie that are carrying the show. It was probably at Alyssa's own request, but I'm missing her presence, especially since the other characters are being saddled with such horrible material.

Charmed: Rewitched (8.5)

I don't know if it was at all intentional, but I liked the sisters slowly realizing how ridiculous their entire 'glamored identities' plan was. It was most successful, shockingly, in the Phoebe storyline. Alyssa Milano generally seems completely over this show, but she did have a couple of neat moments this week, especially when she finally acknowledged the fact that she's always lied to Dex and doesn't know a damn thing about him. I'm happy that both of these stories are finally on their way out, and I appreciated the brief moments of sisterly bonding that Rewitched featured. Being season eight, however, everything else blew.

Charmed: Desperate Housewitches (8.4)

I've talked a lot this season about the general lack of effort that is radiating off this show like expired meat, and Desperate Housewitches is one of the more obvious examples of the show coasting on old stories and pre-existing characterization, as well as cribbing themes from far more popular series. There are a ton of problems with this episode, the largest being a general sense of futility to everything on screen. Whole minutes of time pass by with people just sniping at each other for no discernible reason, while demons just hover around glowering at folks. It's ridiculously vacuous.

Charmed: Run Piper Run (8.3)

Cameron Litvack has become Charmed's most reliable writer. Not that there's huge competition, but his scripts generally have a certain sparkle to them, especially when it comes to dialogue. Run Piper Run puts Charmed's strongest character center stage and features a couple of neat lines here and there, especially some fun shout-outs in response to the ridiculous story arcs at work right now. Piper also doesn't bug this week, unlike her random bout of hagitude last episode. There's still a lethargy to Holly's performance, but at least it beats somebody like Rose McGowan, who's been acting like somebody coming down off a four-day coke bender all season.