Dawson's Creek: Spiderwebs (6.8)

No Doubt are one of my favorite bands. Gwen Stefani has been the coolest, most authentic pop star for years and, based on her current appearance, clearly bathes in the blood of virgins every night in order to still look so ridiculously youthful. With all that in mind, you know it takes a lot to make me scream at No Doubt to get the hell off my television set. Spiderwebs is one overlong promotional commercial for their 2002 album Rock Steady, complete with three lengthy song performances, repeated references to their talent, extreme close-ups of their new CD, and merchandising and stickers all over the place. It's insane. Not that the actual narrative is all that interesting either, but I've never been more eager for Gwen Stefani to go away.

In the middle of all this promo (for No Doubt, just to remind you), the let's-destroy-Audrey disease begins to infect those around her, too. This week we discover that she and C.J. apparently slept together after their friendly heart-to-heart last week, a plot twist that single-handedly makes C.J. appear like an enormous creep and leaves Jen once again miserable. Furthering this, Pacey is for some reason eager to win back Audrey's affections, punching C.J. out after he makes comments about their relationship, Pacey claiming C.J. took advantage of his ex. Okay. Where do we begin with this? First of all, Pacey was last week about to bone a girl right before he found out she was a hooker, so clearly his appreciation for Audrey comes in waves. Second of all, Audrey was so ridiculously obnoxious to him a couple of weeks ago that I don't understand why anyone would want to be around her for longer than five seconds, let alone date her. Third of all, why is C.J. all of a sudden in love with Audrey and casual with the conclusions about her life and who can make her happy? It's like we've all stepped into the Twilight Zone, Audrey having undergone the most hurtful personality-swap since season three-era Andie. It's a strange new world. I just hope you can still buy No Doubt's new CD there.

Things are a little brighter with Joey and Eddie. Not as bright as No Doubt, but bright nonetheless, with Joey getting to know him better and meeting his dad at the concert (for No Doubt), while Eddie gets told all about Joey's imprisoned father and everything that happened there. Things are moving slowly on this front, but at least the writers are making both characters behave like regular people, instead of making them batshit caricatures like everybody else in the cast.

There's also a terrible subplot with Dawson and Natasha trying to brag their way into the concert (a No Doubt concert, to be more specific), a story that winds up with Natasha pretending to be a prostitute for some reason, the two of them getting arrested, followed by a quick escape from their jail cell and Todd yelling at them again. I don't know what it is, but every character in this particular storyline is like a televisual Lunesta. If only there was some kind of music that could perk me up. Maybe No Doubt?

Spiderwebs works well as a No Doubt commercial, but is otherwise boring or hateful in equal measure. I have no idea why the show has ended up like this. Man, I'm gonna listen to some No Doubt to cheer me up. Don't you just love No Doubt?

No Doubt. D

Credits
Guest stars Oliver Hudson (Eddie Doling); Jensen Ackles (C.J.); Megan Gray (Emma Jones); Hal Ozsan (Todd Carr); Greg Rikaart (David); Bianca Kajlich (Natasha Kelly)
Writer Gina Fattore Director Bethany Rooney