Charmed: Oh My Goddess! Part 1 (5.22)

This is the latest in a run of season premieres/finales that involved the sisters getting dressed up in some kind of magical ensemble, presumably to give the WB promo department something to work with. Unfortunately, the whole Titans thing looks resoundingly cheap, like an annoyingly low-rent Xena pastiche full of bad acting, melodramatic dialogue and tacky outfits. Throw in a reunion from hell that nobody asked for, rounding up all the hideous magical creatures inflicted upon us this year (including the trashy nymphs, the snarky dwarfs, that barf-worthy fairy girl and those damn leprechauns), and Oh My Goddess! ends up among the worst finales this show ever did.

Also thrown into this cacophony of crumminess is Chris Perry. Now, there are some models that end up pursuing acting and are surprisingly great. Cameron Diaz is a good example, Famke Janssen another. Then there are models like Drew Fuller, here delivering every line with the same lifeless tone of a moronic valley girl, so consumed with trying to look 'pretty-pretty' that he entirely fails to emote in any sense of the word. Bizarrely he's sustained a career since his tenure on Charmed, presumably handed to him by casting directors who fail to look past his bland, non-threatening facial features. Ugh.

Elsewhere, Piper is unhappy that Leo is constantly being called away by the Elders, and they now communicate through annoying therapy speak, presumably recommended by somebody entirely unqualified. Holly is fine in any story like this, but you can't really support Piper's whining. At least one person in every marriage has to work, especially when there are kids involved, and you can't expect to have them around 24/7. It's another story this year that can't help but alienate the audience. Same with the voluntarily unemployed Paige whining about having no money. Relationships, work, money: it's all rough, but people deal with it. So cram it, shrews. D-

Crimes of Fashion Paige looks like she's been attacked by Edward Scissorhands in that ill-fitting apron thingy she's wearing in the post-credits scene. It's like freeze-dried ass maternity wear.

Credits
Guest stars Drew Fuller (Chris Perry); Brian Thompson (Cronus); Will Kempe (Demetrius); Rebecca Balding (Elise Rothman); Sandra Prosper (Sheila Morris); Lisa Thornhill (Meta); Lee Arenberg (Demon); John Cothran, Jr. (Cecil); Danny Woodburn (Head Dwarf); Eyal Podell (Roland); Michael Gilden (Finnegan); Nick Kiriazis (Evan)
Writers Krista Vernoff, Curtis Kheel Director Jonathan West